i was terrible today, for the first time in months i felt so hopeless and depressed, couldn’t eat, and just curled up in my bed and hoped i would disappear. i felt like i didn’t know how i could make it through the day in the evening i got to go to dance class though and i felt refreshed, energized, and like my mood had stabilized. i know exercise is a natural antidepressant and i think quitting dance when i went to college really contributed to my horrible depressive episodes and anxiety. the draw is that you have to leave all your thoughts about jobs and schools and problems outside because you have to focus on rhythms, powerful jumps, technique like staying on your toes and turning out and pointing and crossing, learning or perfecting steps, posture, flexibility, athleticism, etc. it’s also nice to feel good at something and like i’ve worked really hard, both physically and mentally.
but the reason i am feeling a bit down is because to go once per week is $100/month and so i only go one night, on tuesdays. i could also go fridays and saturdays, but it would be $150 for two classes or $190 for three. i can get antidepressants for $4 a month ya hear but they don’t do anything like going to class does. i could join a gym and run which i will start but they aren’t activities i actually enjoy and get excited for. i think i would be a much better person if i could go 2 or 3 days per week but i just can’t afford it; in one year that would eat up to a quarter of my entire savings. i’ve put off buying my new hardshoes because they’re $160 and i can’t start competing again because i can’t afford a $1000-3000 dress that i have to have for top competition level. irish dance is such a crazy expensive sport and i don’t think most dancers realize it. i didn’t even realize in some respects, though classes were about half what they are now when i was in high school. it kind of bothers me when my teacher just chats or the other girls don’t want to do their dances because it’s not even on their radar that we’re paying $25 for that hour and a half. i wanna learn stuff guys. but i am the only person in my class paying for it myself and i just want to not be sad and ugh